sizzling

Have you been lied to by the one you love?

First lie, it hurts you. You feel the sharp pain, but you force yourself to leave it after awhile, no matter how hard it is. The only reason you do this is because you love the person so much. You hope for the best for this person, and you want to take care of this someone.

You do your best to restore your trust in this someone; just because you love this person so much. Hope restores itself naturally due to the love; respect as well. The love buried the pain that once tore you into a million pieces (you just forgot the pain-“ah…it was just a nightmare”, you tell yourself). The chances of this person lying to you will not happen because… it is simply nonsensical! Nah! It will not happen again! Sheesh!

So you happily carry on your life with this person, looking at the person like nothing happened. Although once in awhile you still feel the pain, you just brush it off. Life goes on; it is like old times eh? Holding those warm hands, the awfully pleasant laughter and the teasing; oh how wonderful! Oh how this person’s smile brightens up your day! Wow! The special someone is wearing the shirt you bought! How happy you are eh! Don’t want this day to end! Oh so wonderful!

A relationship is a relationship after all. There are some hiccups here and there, but overall, it is good and strong!

Day in, day out, you talk whenever both is free. You anxiously wait for this special star to call you; no matter how tired you are! Just to hear the voice for a minute or two, is enough!

Ahh… every morning you wake up thinking, when will I see this love of mine again? How I wish my darling is just beside me so I can give my dear a morning kiss! It is so beautiful to love this angel brought to me…

BAM!

It hits you again! The person you pinned all your hopes on did it again! The same person you love, trust and sacrificed for, lied to you again! What should you do? You should leave him! It is obvious, silly! But you cannot do it. You are not strong enough. But neither are you strong enough to accept the lie that has bestowed upon you. The love is too much for you to decide if you should leave or stay. How? Think!

Finally, you think you have made a decision. “I shall leave and never look back”, you say. So you went, met other people, etc. Plastered that great smile on your face, dolled yourself up, hoping the next person that comes by can mend your heart. But it is those eyes of yours that is such a give-away. Your close friends can obviously tell with one look how foolish you are!

Everyday is another step to a greater pain for you. Damn it hurts! Look at yourself in the mirror, and you see swollen eyes, wet cheeks, and trembling lips.

In the train, you will be thinking, what is my sweetheart doing now?
In the bus, who is my love with now?
In the elevator, is he happier without me?
In the club, is he kissing my replacement now?
In the restroom, you will find your eyes covered with a thicker film of water, and then a drop of pain will drop on your cheeks, followed by many more; for they are questions that make your heart bleed…

Then, a call from the moron one painful night! Oh no! You quickly pick it up. That ass was asking bout you. Want to know what you are doing, how are you, and how you are feeling. You act strong. After awhile, you loosen up. “Yeah, sure, lets meet up tomorrow”, you tell that idiot (or is it sweetheart?).

You just felt a huge wave of emotions when you take a look at the person who was once your angel. How you wish the hurt was just a dream. You are falling all over again. Oh that sweet face; those lips that you have yearned for since you can ever remember; those cheeks which you like to kiss when you used to flirt with the sweetheart.

You cannot leave. Your darling still loves you. And you love that person who has been roaming around in your head. You give another chance, hoping that history will not repeat itself. It is hard, but you are doing your very best. You doubt the person sometimes, and that is something you cannot stop as you are too hurt to be hurt again.

It will be tough. But you hold on to whatever you can. You are just simply blinded by love for that special someone. You believe a better person will come out of this…

Let us hope that this person treasures you; keep you warm on the days you feel cold, and be the teddy when you need comfort.

I have been loving him every single day for more than 3yrs. He was mine for almost 3yrs till we parted and made promises to hurt us both less. Right now, we are not exactly friends-friends kind of situation. But something a little more.

What hurts me is that he will not be honest to tell me if he is making any girl friends as we promised when we broke up. I have been keepin my side of the promises religiously. But he… he just does not. I do not know what and how to feel. I am just so confused now. I really think this is unfair to me.

He has not even been keeping one promise to me. He makes empty promises. Whats the point of promising? Sometimes, I just get so angry, I burst out to myself. I know I have to get over him. I cant seem to trust him. Can I?

When I am here thinking of him before doing something or doing something for him, he is out with other girls. And I dont even know it. I will only know till when someone tells me, or accidently find out myself. Its like I am fated to know the truth; and I am not even searching.

We promised to tell each other if we go out or meet up with someone of the opp sex. I have been telling him religiously. But he hasnt. It hurts me bad that he is not honest with me. When I question him about this promise, he says I have no right to. But it is a promise to me.. issnt it?

And so everytime I find out, I will confront him. And when I do, he will start off by denying, then he will finally admit. Because I keep confronting him, he says we are no more best friends; just friends. So I asked him, in future, will he even tell me if he is making girl friends or dating, he just replied that he doesnt know. Which in his own language, it means he wont.

I wont stop him from making friends. Its just a respectful thing as it was a promise. Coz initially, we agreed that hearing from the other is less painful than someone else. Which is sooo true. Its like 1billion times more painful to know it from someone else!

I know a lot of people says that he is a jerk. But I dunno why I am head over heels over this jerk. I really dont. I dunno if I love him as much as I used to, but its still a lot that it hurts soo deep. I am so hurt. I do not know how to carry on walking. I have loved him for more than three years.

The first devastating thing that shook us was during one of our arguements. I asked him if he loved me. After going through so much, all the sacrifices I have made, the times I waited, the patience I had to endure, the tempers, etc, he said he loves me.. but not much. It hurt me so bad that tears immediately rolled down non-stop, breaths were heavy, i was shaking all over with a weird coldness that ran through my veins, which made me feel soo weak…I just locked myself in the cubicle for some time. I cant seem to forget that till now…

I know he now loves me much lesser than he did. He even admitted it…

Now, when I see him, I have a horrible mix of feelings that confuses me. I will feel angry for lying and cheating on me; for not keeping his promises. But on the other hand, it is just so wonderful to see the man I love right in front of me.

I need advice from all sorts of people.. to tell me.. what I should do to get over him. I know, moving on to a good guy will help me a lot. But its not easy to find eh. I am just so heart broken… And I miss him soo much. But I know. I have to move on…How?

Its been 6 months since we last broke up. It was super tough especially for the first few months. But I really got to let him go. I gave him too many chances. I gave him too much. But he doesnt even know what I need. Now, I have to move on. Now its time for me to explore new things, explore my new life, not knowing what to expect next. Will I have someone new to brighten up my life? Will I do well in my job? Sigh… well… I just got to look up, open my mind, open my heart (only to let in the right guy!). Hope I’ll find happiness….!

I am not used to be single. Honestly, I feel that my life could have been more interesting for the past few years. What happened to the adventurous me? I was so active when I was younger. I guess I need a companion that can help me be that again. Someone who is daring and active. I miss those times when I was still in touch with nature… sigh..

I bumped into this someone I had a crush on back in Sec Sch. I waited for him to make the first move for some time but to no avail. I guess he was shy or it was my illusion? He went in the same Poly as me a yr later. But I was attached. Somehow, it was nice seeing him around. I met him just a few days ago. Sure brings back old memories.
Sadly, he is now attached. What to do?

Now I am so lonely due to my past mistakes and decisions. I rushed into certain things and took certain things for granted. I somehow wish to fall for someone again. But everyone I meet, I dont feel comfortable with. I need someone who is more like me… who knows me. Someone who dares to try new things. He must be happy to show me off to his friends. Be there at the darkest of times, and always ever ready to rescue me from any emotional breakdown. He also has to love me and appreciate me… Sigh… When will he rescue me from this loneliness?

I cried almost everyday after he left me. But it ended a few days ago. Every night, when I was alone, I would pray that the pain will just go away and that I need a clear mind to think straight. So, this one night, I cried my heart out, sobbing and drenched my pillow with my tears. I prayed silently with all my heart and with every life of me that I was left with. I prayed till I fell asleep.

The next morning, I woke up feeling refreshed, wonderful and super energetic! It was like nothing happened at all. I was suddenly so happy! I felt that my love for him is fading faster and faster. And I do not know why and how I was suddenly so at ease. So many things came to my mind. I realised that he never really loved me after all, he doesnt appreciate me, and why am I begging him to come back? If he loves me, he would not hurt me. He would not even leave me in the first place! I realised how blind I was for 3 years. My life was about to go down the drain without him. After so long, I have managed to pick myself up and walk another path; a better one.

Now, I am already almost there. I am losing my love for him after so long. Allah heard my prayers and saw how badly shattered I was, and how hard I was doing to get him out of my life. I loved him. I really did. I would have done anything to have him back. Too bad he did not appreciate me and left.

Celebrating my freedom, happiness and life. Thats what I am going to do now!

Its been so long since someone had said “I love you”, “I miss you” or called me those loving nicknames. I wonder when I will meet someone who I will feel so right and comfortable with.

When will I meet a guy who looks so good, so right, so perfect no matter what people say nor what happens. Just cannot stop thinking about him, and dream about him night and day, and just smile at the thought of him.

Then somehow, as if fate, we will finally meet face to face and talk a little. Although uncomfortable, it will seem so right, so perfect that silently neither of us will want the conversation to end.

We will chat till the wee hours of the morning till we both sleep with the other on the other end of the phone, and play games only to choose forfeits which involves us meeting again.

After awhile, we will realize something great is happening. Magically, we realize we are actually falling in love. We will not go a day without a call or at least a few SMS-es.

Then one day, we cannot take it anymore. We decided to be a couple. And from then on, we walk through life side-by-side, hand-in-hand. There will be times that our distance may widen and our grips loosen, but never will there be a time that we will let go. Our love will blossom and grow with every step and every heartbeat. People will talk about how lucky we are to be together; envy our strength of love and want what we have.

Lastly, to look at this dream guy of mine every night before I fall deep in my sleep…

Hmm… I told him a few days ago that I am going and if he wants me back, he will have to start from scratch. Its a complex situation I guess. But I have to get away from him if he has changed his behaviour towards me. After constant stabs, I then came to my senses. Yes, it took me that long!

I know he does not want me to go. But I have been waiting for too long. I have done my best and the best he can come up with is that he does not deserve me. Its dumb. Well, now I guess I am really open to new people. It hurts to really go. But I have been through this roller coster ride before and I found someone(him). So I am going to do the same, with my head held up high and my smile at work.

I miss those good old times. Its those times that I treasure and will never forget. Its those times which made me fall for him. Those times are nothing but memories now. I will have to look for better.

So my resolution this year is to find better love, experience, make more friends and do well in my new job. May this guy who once was my lover find happiness too. I am determined to find mine…

I dont know why the longer I am away from him, the sadder and more miserable I become. I wonder why it is so hard to stop loving him. I wonder why is it so hard to drop it and move on like I did previously.

I have been pretending to be happy.I think I may have fooled others, but I  cannot fool myself. Well, enough about sad stuff…

Its the holidays now and I have gone through almost half of my 11 days holiday! Company shut down from Christmas to New Year. So yesterday was not only Christmas, but also my parents’ anniversary. So the family(except my sis) went to JB. Went for a light lunch at some restaurant at City Square, then we went our seperate shopping! There is not much to buy in the first place!

We then headed to a Kelong to have some wonderful seafood.. The total bill came to RM222!!! If you divide it by 5, it is less than S$20 a person! The crab is amazing….!!!

Well, although it is supposed to be a happy day, I cant seem to get that guy off my mind. It pulls my happiness back all the time…

Is it just me? Or is it my fate?

Why do I feel so lost? Why is my heart so heavy? Why do I feel so lonely? So angry? Why are my eyes swollen? Why are my eyes wet? Why do I feel so weak? Why do I tremble whenever I think bout it all? WHY?

Why is it I do not feel any appreciation? Why do you have neither initiative nor guilt? Why do you have to lie to me? Why don’t you like to do things with me? Why don’t you ask me out instead since you claim I always ask at the wrong time? Why don’t you save up to go out with me when you do it wholeheartedly when going out with others? Why are you so oblivious that I feel pain whenever you scold me, or criticize me in front of others? Why do you ignore my pleas?

What have I done to deserve to be told by the person I love that he doesn’t really love me after all? What else should I do besides putting a lot of effort to make you happy? What am I doing now, depressed, when I was happily holding you not too long ago? What did I do besides love you?

Why do I feel like slapping, punching, kicking, hugging and kissing you all at the same time? Why am I not good enough for you to put in at least some effort? Why are you so blind that there is someone, right in front of your eyes that really honestly love you? Why is your heart so blind?

I did my very best to make you happy; to be there for you; to be patient for you; to serve you. Haven’t I?

Chiko Chicks. This is the name Ahmad gave me.

He is my ultimate best friend now.

How I wish he could return to me. We love each other, but it seems like we both have got other life matters to settle. He,financially, and myself, I just got sort of like a promotion. I need to stabalise myself in this job first; get myself comfortable.

I love him so dearly. We do meet frequently. Everytime, we do feel like hugging and all, and there are times that we just let it go. Well, important thing is, he is not seeing other ppl and so am I. And I know he loves me and he knows I am crazy about him. I think that is more than enough.

Most of the time, i still do just stare at him. Oh, that beautiful face; the perfect smile; the huge loving eyes and the delicious lips which I yearn for every second.. Oh how I wish I could just grab him and never let go!

If he were to leave, I wont let him go without a fight! That is a promise!

Ahmad, if you are reading this, just to let you know, I am waiting for you. You are the one that I am so in love with. Nothing else matters dear. Take your time. I’ll wait…