sizzling

I have been loving him every single day for more than 3yrs. He was mine for almost 3yrs till we parted and made promises to hurt us both less. Right now, we are not exactly friends-friends kind of situation. But something a little more.

What hurts me is that he will not be honest to tell me if he is making any girl friends as we promised when we broke up. I have been keepin my side of the promises religiously. But he… he just does not. I do not know what and how to feel. I am just so confused now. I really think this is unfair to me.

He has not even been keeping one promise to me. He makes empty promises. Whats the point of promising? Sometimes, I just get so angry, I burst out to myself. I know I have to get over him. I cant seem to trust him. Can I?

When I am here thinking of him before doing something or doing something for him, he is out with other girls. And I dont even know it. I will only know till when someone tells me, or accidently find out myself. Its like I am fated to know the truth; and I am not even searching.

We promised to tell each other if we go out or meet up with someone of the opp sex. I have been telling him religiously. But he hasnt. It hurts me bad that he is not honest with me. When I question him about this promise, he says I have no right to. But it is a promise to me.. issnt it?

And so everytime I find out, I will confront him. And when I do, he will start off by denying, then he will finally admit. Because I keep confronting him, he says we are no more best friends; just friends. So I asked him, in future, will he even tell me if he is making girl friends or dating, he just replied that he doesnt know. Which in his own language, it means he wont.

I wont stop him from making friends. Its just a respectful thing as it was a promise. Coz initially, we agreed that hearing from the other is less painful than someone else. Which is sooo true. Its like 1billion times more painful to know it from someone else!

I know a lot of people says that he is a jerk. But I dunno why I am head over heels over this jerk. I really dont. I dunno if I love him as much as I used to, but its still a lot that it hurts soo deep. I am so hurt. I do not know how to carry on walking. I have loved him for more than three years.

The first devastating thing that shook us was during one of our arguements. I asked him if he loved me. After going through so much, all the sacrifices I have made, the times I waited, the patience I had to endure, the tempers, etc, he said he loves me.. but not much. It hurt me so bad that tears immediately rolled down non-stop, breaths were heavy, i was shaking all over with a weird coldness that ran through my veins, which made me feel soo weak…I just locked myself in the cubicle for some time. I cant seem to forget that till now…

I know he now loves me much lesser than he did. He even admitted it…

Now, when I see him, I have a horrible mix of feelings that confuses me. I will feel angry for lying and cheating on me; for not keeping his promises. But on the other hand, it is just so wonderful to see the man I love right in front of me.

I need advice from all sorts of people.. to tell me.. what I should do to get over him. I know, moving on to a good guy will help me a lot. But its not easy to find eh. I am just so heart broken… And I miss him soo much. But I know. I have to move on…How?